The rise of the 'Poly Mums'

How do you juggle marriage and motherhood with polyamory? Deepa Paul explains why a growing number of mothers are opening up their marriages in order to find themselves

Today’s post is written by guest writer, author and TWK community member,

Deepa Paul

whose new book, Ask Me How It Works: Love In An Open Marriage.

Our meetings take place after the children have gone to bed.

Cheese platters are placed on the table and mismatched champagne flutes are filled to the brim with Prosecco. Some nights we are six; other nights there are as many as ten of us around the table.

What do we have in common? For a start, all of us have children ages 12 or under. That, and every one of us is polyamorous.

One woman is married and has a monogamous boyfriend, whilst her husband has a longtime girlfriend of his own. He wants more kids and she doesn’t, so the idea of him having a baby with his girlfriend is currently up for discussion. Another recently moved in with her boyfriend of almost 5 years, who is also poly, so they have an agreement not to bring dates back home. One woman was actually on the road to divorce when her spouse had an accident that left him incapacitated for a year. He agreed to an open marriage while she cared for him and their children. (Although they are now divorced.)

I met each of these women on social media when I dared to share my own polyamorous life on Instagram during lockdown.

Almost instantly, private messages trickled in not only from strangers, but also from women in my adopted home city of Amsterdam, many of whom I knew.

I’m in an open marriage too, but we don’t talk about it, one wrote.

I’m polyamorous, but we can’t really tell anyone.

My friends just don’t understand.

In each of these messages was both the thrill of recognition (‘at last, someone just like me!’) and a thread of longing (‘I wish I had someone I could talk to’). For connection. For community. But also for answers.

The sense of connection came loudest from the mums whose thoughts and concerns were both specific and unique. How do I talk about this with my kids? How do you protect them? How do you do it? How should I?

And so I brought all these women together on a Whatsapp group I dubbed ‘Poly Mums Wine Night’, thinking I’d change it later. I never did—the name stuck, and so have we, meeting regularly to discuss lives very few understand.